PHRASES TO AVOID – SOLUTION MESSAGES

Communicates a lack of confidence in the survivor’s ability to solve their own problems.

• Ordering, directing, commanding – “You need to speak to…”

• Warning, threatening, promising – “If you do this…. then”

• Moralizing – “You should go speak to LE so this doesn’t happen to someone else.”

• Advising, giving solutions – “I think you should do this…….”

ALTERNATIVES

“Here are your options, let’s talk about what you think would be best for you.”

“You know yourself better than anyone; I’m here to provide you with options, do you want to hear them?”

PHRASES TO AVOID – PUT-DOWN MESSAGES

Messages that indicate the survivor is inferior, inadequate, subordinate or unworthy.

• Judging, criticizing, disagreeing, blaming – “You’re not thinking clearly.”

• Name-calling, labeling, stereotyping – “You’re smarter than that.”

• Interpreting, analyzing, diagnosing – “You feel that way because of what happened.”

• Reassuring, sympathizing, consoling – “You’ll feel better tomorrow.”

ALTERNATIVES

“You did what you had to do to survive.”

“This is not your fault.”

“It is okay that you do not trust _______. Yours feeling are valid.”

“I hear you and want to assure you that you did nothing wrong.”

“Your feelings are valid. Do you want to talk more about them?”

PHRASES TO AVOID – AVOIDANCE MESSAGES

Influence the survivor to stop conveying negative feelings or emotions.

• Judgemental praising, dishonest agreement – “I can see why you would blame yourself.”

• Withdrawing, distancing, sarcasm, humoring – “Maybe you should talk to somebody else.”

ALTERNATIVES

“You did nothing wrong.”

“Thank you for trusting me with ________. Do you want to continue talking about it? I am listening.”

“You are not ______, what you are feeling is completely normal.”

“I’m here for you.”